Bedtime is generally not my best time.

At this time I am tired, overwhelmed, overstimulated and in some desperate need of some quality introvert time. I don't want to fight people to go to bed.   I want them to realize that their internal clock is striking, march themselves up, tuck themselves in (at which point I will gladly deliver a memorable good night kiss, story or what have you) and fall into a blissful state of sleep.

This is so far from reality, it almost makes me chuckle reading it.

All the kiddos (save for Macky, fingers crossed) pretty much suck at bedtime.  There is lots of complaining, fighting, whining and resisting that goes on but, admittedly, Morty and George, my beloved dynamic duo, have been a run for my bedtime money since their gestational heydays.

In pregnancy, they used to wrestle at night, causing many sleepless nights for Mommy.

As infants they suffered from some hardcore reflux and colic which left them crying and puking for hours on end for months.

As toddlers, they feared bed.  They would often only enter slumber after passing out from screaming for hours—only to wake up a short time after with night terrors and confusion...and more crying.

Now, as preschoolers, they are still difficult to get to bed in that they are rather high maintenance, but there is far less drama involved.

At times, I wish that they could just go to sleep on their own without the aid of a "grown up," but the reality is that this (save for the annoying days where many struggles ensue) is really their last piece of babyhood.

Gone are the cribs, diapers, bottles, nuks.  Even their beloved monkeys and blankeys have taken a back seat in favor of ladders and tool boxes.

Bedtime is the only time that they really revert to their baby-like status where they are no longer "worker men," but boys in need of some cuddles.

Lately they have been falling asleep cuddled up next to me on the couch watching "man shows."  While I realize that this could possibly be construed as a bad habit to get into, I think of it as a passing phase that I will miss when it is over. 

Granted, I know that their desire to cuddle isn't so much about me, but about the fact that a few months ago they decided they wanted to sleep "lonely" instead of snuggled up together as they had since birth. 

My hunch is that they did this because they thought they should, rather than what they really wanted and now they're really not feeling it and are able to cuddle more easily if they are left to sleep together on the couch.  We will often find them still laying head to head or feet to feet when left to their own devices. Tonight, for example, they are sounded asleep with their legs intertwined and happy as can be.

I forget, at times, how hard it is to grow up and, when having a moment of clarity, realize that I have zero concept of what it is like to grow up with an identical twin.

I wonder if things are more difficult for them and thus more difficult for me because they not only have to separate from me, but also from each other—which, truthfully, seems to be an exceptionally hard fight for them, often leading them to declarations of wanting to do more and more things "lonely" (regardless of how unhappy this makes them).

Eventually I know that they will grow up and live completely separate lives (a fact that make me embarrassingly sad) so for now I am trying to help them through their struggles while simultaneously embracing their last remnants of babyhood.

I know that they won't cuddle me, feet to feet or head to head while watching "man shows" forever. Eventually they'll be too embarrassed to cuddle me, or each other, at all. 

So for now I'm going to take what I can get and live it up with my boys, my couch and my HGTV.  Real sleep will come later.  Babyhood never comes back.