I've recently rediscovered music.  Weird, I know.  But the past few years have been such a blur that I haven't had time or energy for anything, much less leisurely hours spent flipping through my fantabulously arranged playlists. 

Now days through the magic of YouTube and online learning that I studiously log in to, but go to impressive lengths to avoid engaging in, I have once again been connecting with my inner angst through song.

Problem is, I just don't feel the music like I used to.

Way, way, back in my youth, like the late 90's, I was positive that the music was written for me; that the lyrics explained my life; that I needed the music just to get through my the variety of emotions that bombarded me hourly.

Everything I did had it's own soundtrack. Many times this soundtrack was the message that played for my pager, yes, pager in hopes that the caller would "get" the message.

Most of my playlists of old included sickeningly sappy love songs, some exceptionally embarrassing chinese melodies (don't ask) and the ever present rap of my suburban, middle class white girl rebelion.

Basically, if anyone other than those who went through the same phase at the same time (aka my since disbanded clique of friends) heard these songs—especially in my chosen order—they would either run away in horror or hysteria. 

The really embarrassing part of this is that I actually still like these songs and they still can bring back memories that had previously been long forgotten—usually for a pretty good reason.

What I'm looking for now is songs that I can relate to. Songs that can create the new soundtrack for my new, grown up, permanent life.

This shouldn't be that hard given that my previous choices really did not relate in the tiniest bit to my real life.

As much as I liked to believe that TuPac really understood me and was devastated when he died (and still wear the RIP t-shirt my mom got me for my mourning period) there, shockingly, isn't really any common ground in our lives.

The same goes for the countless love songs that I have devoted hours and hours of life, tears and time to. 

Can a person who married the first person she actually dated really have that much experience with a broken heart? 

I think not. 

Sure, there were a handful of unrequited loves thrown in the mix, but the depth of my heartbreak music is really quite impressive. One, two or even ten songs would have been sufficient. Not 200.

So, what this leaves me wondering is if I have crossed that invisible line into old age where I really believe that the music now just isn't as good as when I was a youngin, or is it me who has changed?

Is there a way to really feel music in your life when you are living a life of domestic tranquility?  Do you need some kind of raw emotions to really connect with lyrics in the same way?

If this is the case, I'll happily wait for someone to write me a song about a body gone wrong, the sleep that's not had and the days that are rapidly passing.

Until then, I guess I'll just have to put my "When I was your age" speech to early (and frequent) use.