There is a sock crisis in my house.  At last count I have 37 kid socks that are missing their mate. 

This is unacceptable.  I have gotten to the point that every time I go to Target I pick up new socks in effort to relieve the pain and suffering that this crisis is causing, but still we have no socks.

I've tried all plain white socks because having a specific match wouldn't matter—no luck.

I've tried patterned socks because at least we'd be able to easily identify the partner—miserable fail.

I've thrown out stragglers in effort to start fresh.  This only lasts for one wash cycle, and then we are back where we started.

I've even worked to convince the kids that wearing mismatched socks is cool and that Justin Bieber does it—but this fix won't last forever.

This constant struggle has led me to one logical conclusion.  We have a one legged troll who is stealing our socks out of spite for my husband who constantly talks of hiring him for his assistant (don't ask...long story).

So here is an open letter in effort to get our matching socks back:

Dear One-Legged Troll (Or Nigel as we like to call you):

Please return our socks, Mr. Troll. 

I know we may have offended you with our constant joking about employing you and your stub leg and pirate accent for Eric's assistant, but no worries—we have no intention of doing so and will, from here out, cease and desist all joking. 

Please take no offence to this joking, we understand that you are exceptionally busy with your hobbling and argh-ing and such, and we feel most terribly for whatever accident you endured to leave you in such a physical predicament. 

But this is really no reason to steal all of our socks. And really, what are you going to do with all those socks?  Make a quilt to warm your stubby leg? 

I apologize, that was out of line.

If you could please return the socks tonight whilst we are asleep—no questions asked—there may even be some bedazzled bling for you to attach to your wooden peg.

Please help save our family from the endless frustration of finding socks and help save my children from the embarrassment of wearing mismatched socks everywhere they go. 

You likely know all too well how that embarrassment can sting a soul and make you bitter.  Please help save my children from the same sock stealing future that you faced.

We and our cozy and protected feet are forever in your debt,

Us.